


Page Six Hundred Threescore and Six

by Ghost (PoisonedDeath)



Series: Photography At Its Finest [12]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 04:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6500998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoisonedDeath/pseuds/Ghost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, back when Cesc was a small, naive child, things were okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Page Six Hundred Threescore and Six

Once upon a time, back when Cesc was a small, naive child, things were okay. Well, mostly okay - there was no darkness consuming him, which meant that he must've been happy, right? He remembers it changing, he remembers being hurt by strangers - even kids from school who only knew his face. He wasn't different then, just a little obscure. After his first two best friends moved away, he stopped seeing the point in close friendships - they would all leave him eventually and it hurt more than it was worth. Eventually, he grew up. Or, at least, he was supposed to. It didn't really go according to plan. As he reached puberty, he began to recognise that something wasn't right, but he couldn't pinpoint it. No, he didn't want to pinpoint it. By the time he was 14, he had friends, a decent haircut, and serious self-harm addiction. He watched his friends develop depression, and wanted so badly to numb their pain, but already he was detached from both himself and the world around him. He'd become an expert disconnecting, and as his friends began to recover, he drowned himself in vodka. He knew how to leave a trail of destruction in his wake, longed for connection, for friendship but wanted to stay as far from the rest of the human race as he possibly could. He probably needed a new hobby or something, because he found himself laughing at the things he did - impulsive behavior after impulsive behavior; the majority of which were poorly thought out suicide attempts that were even more poorly executed. The first time he sat down and planned his death, however, it nearly worked. Most days, he still wishes it had. Looking back, the precise reason was fickle, but that's irrelevant, really. Besides, the situation that led up to it still continues to repeat itself in Cesc's life.

Cesc has an innate need for close connection. Super close - the kind of close where Cesc is the only focus of the other person. In return, Cesc will do anything and everything to keep that person by his side. He knows now that this bizarre infatuation isn't healthy, and no good will ever come of it, so he's learned to police himself well. Don't get too attached, and if you do, well, just disconnect - disconnect and it'll be fine. Ironically, Cesc finds the majority of people insufferable and obnoxious (yes, he's aware of the irony - he does understand that he too is both insufferable and obnoxious), so when he connects, it is surprisingly rational that'd want them to stay with him. If you squint. And tilt your head a little. Possibly.

When he was around 17, he began to finally understand that the wrongness that he was that he was transgender. He was with a lovely girl at the time, who accepted him instantly - told him that she knew. He loved her strongly, loved her presence. He was proud to call her his girlfriend and tried so hard to be gentle with her. He recalls that awkward night, in the dark, their first kiss, her first kiss (but not his. His had been stolen a few years before) and he cringes. They'd been together for six months, and he'd known for a while that he wasn't actually attracted to her (he wasn't sure he ever was - he just loved too deeply), but he didn't want to lose her companionship, so he selfishly stayed with her. The kiss only cemented what he already knew, and he spent the next year holding her hand tightly, kissing her cheek and begging her not to leave him. When she finally left him for a real man, one that wasn't flawed and ill and pathetic, he felt free, but so, so afraid.

With hindsight, he probably was obsessed with her too - just in a way that made him believe he had more control. He regretted every second of it - the guilt still eats at him 8 years later.

When he finally had a good relationship, he fucked that up too. He still isn't sure how he felt towards this man, but he loved him obsessively. It tore them apart, and they clashed and destroyed each other. He went along with everything the other man did or said, terrified of being left by him. Cesc had turned into an unrecognisable monster and he despised himself. He spent months learning how to be himself again, resetting the boundaries he'd impulsively broken, and finally mastering the art of his razor-in-flesh aesthetic. It took him a few years of licking his not necessarily metaphorical wounds until he was brave enough to try again.

He doesn't really remember how he met Gerard. Well, actually, he does. It was at a grimy Halloween house party. Cesc had tried so, so hard not to drink - he'd been trying to leave the alcohol in the past - but he'd never been good at fighting urges. It didn't take long for him to practically incapable of standing, and when some guy came his way, he took his opportunity. Making out with someone was less boring that watching people smoke, right? Right. It backfired, and 4 days later Cesc was in a relationship with a guy that not only couldn't comprehend what transgender meant, he also had no grasp of what a boundary was. Cesc stayed with Gerard, though. He stayed through the arguments and the fists and the "I'll make it up to yous", which, as Cesc learned, was Gerard's favorite way to say that he was going to force Cesc into sex. Afraid of being alone again, Cesc obliged and let this man destroy him time and time again.

Now? Cesc doesn't believe in fairy tales. There's no point in chasing after what is and can only ever be fiction. He has Iker, and that's enough. If that's his happy ending, then so be it. Iker understands him, respects him in ways that he's never been respected before. Iker didn't ignore him when he mentioned his gender, didn't judge him for his skewed view of relationships. He doesn't press, not push too hard. He understands, and, although hell controls Cesc's mind, Cesc knows this and is grateful. He's genuinely grateful. He's still terrified of being alone, but that's okay. The story isn't over yet, after all - he's still breathing. There's still time. Right now, all is peaceful, and Cesc stares out of the window and watches the late night traffic pass by.


End file.
